Not Real Radio

Joe Hello and welcome to another broadcast of "You've Got to Be Kidding Me!"coming to you live from the Mosihe's PickA-Bagel at the corner of 23rd and 3rd in New York City, I'm your host Joe Nation.
(Applause )
With me today is Eddie (the Eagle) McCray and we're here to witness one of the great events in well, what is this? I was about to say one of the great events of humanity, but some say it's just another sport. Which is it, Eddie?

Eddie Well, Joe, and first I has to thank you for having me here and bringing some attention to the greatness of this event. To say this is just another sport, well that sounds to me like some kind of sacrilege. You know people has have died doing this.
(Applause) (People yelling "Yo, Eddie, yo!")

Joe In case you missed the promos and our warm-up show what we are going to see today showcases humankind at it's best and it's worst. I'm talking about SlushJumping, the attempt by the regular guy or gal to make it all the way across a street, corner to corner, without getting a sockful of ice in their boots. Eddie here is one of the great champions of this event, you haven't gotten you boots loaded in how many years is it Eddie?

Eddie I'm proud to say it, Joe, if I get through to this Spring it will be eighteen years since my tush went in the mush.

Joe Wow, that's amazing. So what are we going to be looking for today.?

Eddie Well, I picked this corner for a good reason. It's got the real high banks that the guys at the paint store piled up on one side and on the other the Korean deli has made this little cut-through thats only about four and threequarters inches wide.

Joe Uh oh.

Eddie You got it. It's wide enough to get your boot in, but not wide enough to get it out after you try to swing other leg over the pile. If you don't watch it, boom, your briefcase is flying and your face is, as we say, in the cold dough.

Joe So it's a real challenge corner.

Eddie One of the best, see over there? The Starbucks has cleared their corner, or most of it, but the slush has laked up all around the cut through and is now six inches deep and eight feet across. It's a beaut.

Joe So what techniques do people use trying to get across a monster like that?

Eddie Well, that's the best part. It's not a monster, I've seen where the slush lake reachs out nearly to the light, but see, that discourages people and they don't even try to get across.

Joe They just say "You got to be kidding me." and walk to the next corner down?
(Applause)

Eddie Um Yeah. As I was saying, there's all kinds of techniques. There's the swingleg leap where you stand on one foot and pitch your other out over the mush, when that goes in for the dive, you swing the first leg hard and with any luck you'll make it over. Course, sometimes the foot that's under, slides out from under you and you take a bath.

Joe Here comes a tryer now.

Eddie Oh, she going to do a tippy-toe, not good for these conditions. There, see how she was on her toes to about half across but then she panicked probably because of the cold water coming through her laceholes and she went splashing on through, very bad form.

Joe Eddie, I see four people over by the deli cut through.

Eddie Now see this is the real challenge, Joe, because you got to remember you're not out here alone. There's other people facing the same ocean of ice and they can help you or they can just be in your way. See that big guy? He's a leaper, I can tell. He wants to get a good running start and then do the SlushJumper version of the hop, skip and a jump, but he can't see ? Because the other three are blocking him while they decide to do a hoppy hip hoppy or a two footer which I would not recommend.

Joe The two footer?

Eddie Yeah, someone always tries it. It's like a standing broad jump except as my friend Leo says, you're trying it wearing twenty pounds of boots and, heh, heh, there's no broad to jump at.

Joe HAh!

Eddie So how do you do? You do the two-footer and you go two feet, that's what.

Joe The big guy has cut around them and is going over the pile!

Eddie Let's see, this could be a good one. Yeah, look at that! He slid down the streetside, both his feet out in front of him and right on his butt in the Hagan-Daz.

Joe What should he have done, Eddie?

Eddie He shouldah waited one more second for that threesome to play through, then gone for the big bounce, now all he's got is wet Fruit of Looms.

Joe Well, I tell you Eddie, this has been a pleasure talking to you and I want the fans to remember that the SlushJumping will continue throughout the rest of this week throughout all of New York City and remember when you're out on the town and you see something of the real New York, what do you say?
(Crowd--- YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!) Music up and out.

==== The You've got to be kidding me Show is a fictional creation of the mind of Joe Nation who is himself a fictional character, so any resembelance to real persons is just damn fine writing and not the result of any actual reporting of a real radio reporter which would in any case be less funny.